Are you going through, or healing from, a relationship breakup? Then I dedicate this post to you and your courageous heart.
Can you be friends with your ex? In my experience, yes.
Is it hard? Yes.
Is it worth it? Sometimes…it depends on whether you’re both willing to forgive, forget and evolve.
Here’s the thing. What goes around, comes around 10 times over. If you want to live a life of passion and growth, you must learn to forgive people, whatever they have done or said to you.
Assuming you’re like the rest of us humans, you only have one heart. If that heart is even partly filled with guilt, hate or anger, you will continue to live ‘half-heartedly’ until you choose to let it go.
I call this the ‘sofa in the door’ effect. Holding a grudge means that you refuse to accept someone is a teacher in disguise. This choice will delay new teachers from entering your life. It’s like jamming a couch in your front door – you make it hard for love to enter. As a result, you’ll keep attracting partners who are non-committal or have hang-ups, because you’re sending mixed signals to the Universe.
We live in a fair world, where you have to clean up what’s on your plate before you get a second helping. The good news is, there are many people, and Spiritual helpers, who can help you to ‘remove the sofa/ pain’, you just have to ask. I’m not saying you have to agree with everything someone has done, you just need to find peace with it (see my take on how to stop bullying). As they say, hatred is like drinking poison, hoping your opponent will die. This world doesn’t need more pain, it needs more perspective.
Instead of buying into the ‘us vs them’ mentality, why not use this opportunity to open, rather than close, your Third Eye Chakra (mind and intuition). If children can forgive each other, why not adults?
I admit, it’s easy to preach light and love until your ex sleeps with someone else – in your house – while you are still living there. In my case, my ex and I had already separated, but I hadn’t moved out yet (biiiig mistake).
Weirdly enough, I had introduced this person to my ex, and only figured things out when I discovered episodes of Wife Swap saved on the TV (yes, really), a receipt for a meal I didn’t remember, and someone else’s earrings in the house.
To be honest – the experience almost broke me. It was definitely one of the triggers for my anorexia, but thank goodness I survived because I am 500 times happier now. The interesting thing is that, after a lot of therapy my side, this ex and I are still on speaking terms. I’m a believer in getting over your ego – as they say, you can be happy or you can be right, but never both.
Some people would say I’ve been unlucky in love – one of my exes is gay, while others have been abusive or alcoholic. I don’t see it that way. I believe that part of my Master 29/11 Lifepath is to teach forgiveness. and that means getting hurt sometimes. You could say that I’ve earned a PhD in Self-Love, with a major in Trusting My (Higher) Self, No Matter What.
I could not have counselled thousands of clients through psychic readings, without having ‘been there and done that’. Looking back, I know that all my heartbreaks were designed to catapult me into the arms of my Soulmate Kris and my work studying 11:11 and numerology.
Rumi said ‘the wound is the place where the light enters you’. Only now can I see that being a psychic takes extreme courage – you have to walk your talk, see the big picture, and do whatever it takes to heal, even when all you want is revenge.
These days, I know when I am holding onto spite, because I attract clients with unfinished business. Conversely, when I’m in the flow, my clients often praise everything and everyone who pushed them to succeed. They have stopped taking everything personally.
In numerology, EX adds to 11, which is the Master Number for sharing, humanitarian work and new beginnings. 11 reduces to 2, which represents the Sacral or second chakra (emotions and relationships). Every relationship you have is simply a chance to learn about what works for you, and what doesn’t work for you, when it comes to sharing your life with someone.
Here are 4 Tips for Staying Friends with Your Ex
Grieve first, reconnect later. It’s almost impossible to go from being partners to friends straightaway (unless you were friends before, and/ or the relationships wasn’t serious). Give yourself time to recover. If you were together for four years, it could take two to four years to fully release all your feelings. The heart can’t be rushed, even if the head has moved on.
If you are living with your ex and break up, move out! Borrow money if you have to. Don’t stay out of fear, because it won’t end well. The sooner you get counselling or help, the cleaner you will feel and the easier recovery will be. Put any photos and gifts from your ex into storage or consider throwing them away. I also recommend deleting them off facebook and your phone, until you are sure you want them back in your life. You can only be friends once you’ve had time to heal.
Believe in fate.
We are eternal beings, who have come to Earth to learn particular lessons and to heal certain chakras in our body and Soul (find your lifepath here). There is a force that rises and sets the Sun. The same force makes it rain, or thunder. Whether you call it God, Goddess, Source or accident, this power is always with you, sending you support.
That’s why I am a fan of meditation, mantra chanting, yoga, prayer and affirmations. They all nurture your most important relationship – the one with your Soul. Singing power ballads like Let It Go also help! Just because someone has left you, doesn’t mean you need to leave yourself.
The love you feel from another person actually doesn’t come from them, it comes from choosing to be happy. You can experience the same high without needing someone actually there (think of the last time you held a happy baby).
A breakup often occurs because at least one person in the relationship is drifting off their lifepath, or is heading for major changes (e.g. they could be in a 9/1 or 5/6 Personal Year).
My view is that, once you both get back on track, it becomes possible to be friends. In some cases you may even rekindle your romance, however I only recommend this if the underlying reasons for your breakup have been addressed.
Remember, they became an ex for a reason! I’ve noticed that exes often contact me during a Mercury Retrograde, but this is not a great time to get back together for most people, as we’re not thinking logically.
By the way, I also believe that children choose their parents (read more), and often know before they are born if they will be brought up by a single parent. So don’t feel bad if you have to go down this path – do your best and your kids will understand eventually.
Honour them. Honour you.
It can be cathartic to write a list of what your ex taught you, and what you taught them during the relationship. Consider making a list of ‘why it’s better we’ve broken up’. If things get tricky later on, you can look at these lists to stay strong. A gratitude diary also helps. (read more)
You could even write a ‘best case’ and ‘worst case’ scenario. Best case could be ‘one day, we can look each other in the eye again’, worst case might be ‘they move in next door with a harem and I have to flee the country’ (forgive my imagination – I have a Girdle of Venus in palmistry).
Read out the best case scenario and visualise it – you tend to get what you expect. If you are still on speaking terms with your ex, you could even talk this through with them. Clear communication is the key to staying friends.
Stay kind. You may want to pull your ex’s hair out, or yell at them until they cry, but that’s not going to help. It’s important to get your feelings out, but this is better done privately (I’m a fan of burning a list of grudges under a Full Moon), or with a therapist, as mentioned above.
Remember that karma exists and you don’t need to be a cosmic policeman (read more on the karma of having an affair). No one cheats on someone, unless they are also cheating on themselves at some level. At a Soul level, their Spirit Guides will make sure they clear up any transgressions before they are allowed to move on.
Don’t forget, past lives could be at play here (especially if you see signs like 11:11). Perhaps you broke your ex’s heart in a previous lifetime – sometimes we swap roles to equalise the energy. Give people the benefit of the doubt. Karmic debt numbers 14 and 16 in numerology can indicate issues with commitment in previous incarnations. This doesn’t mean you’re doomed, just that you have to make an extra effort to overcome any addictions to judging others or running away from your responsibilities.
That’s why I’ve found psychic readings and past life regressions invaluable in recovering from breakups. They’ve helped me to access higher wisdom and to feel loved, even during my darkest times in life.
Expert life coach Peter Conna says that ‘commitment equals pleasure, hesitation equals pain’. Whatever you are feeling right now, commit to surviving this breakup with your humour and heart intact. Everything you learn from your ex will one day benefit your future partners (in this life, or future lives).
True Story. Not long ago, I did a psychic reading for a client where we talked about staying friends with your ex. I said that it takes a mature Soul to do so, and it’s something I admire. After all, gossip is gossip. If I was dating someone and they kept talking about their ex, I’d know they hadn’t let go of that relationship.
After the call, I got in the car and drove to class. Being clairvoyant, my Spirit Guides send me pictures when they want to talk to me. I kept seeing a phone number in my head, which I recognised as an ex’s from a while ago.
This ex helped me to launch my psychic career, even though he was a sceptic. I still remember him running through the Mind Body Spirit Festival to bring me lunch (he was too afraid to walk, in case one of the ‘new age weirdos’ tried to talk to him). We broke up on 11.11.11. I’d actually foreseen the split that morning, when I noticed a new ‘heartache’ line in my palms.
There’s no doubt we had a karmic contract together. Not only do our numerology lifepaths add to 9 (completion), I had a dream where I gave his now-wife a book about how to look after him (!)
I’d been thinking of him recently, but couldn’t remember his mobile. As I was wondering what to do (he’s a Lifepath 7 Spiritual Teacher in numerology), I pulled up behind a car with licence plate 711 xxx (read more on the meaning of 711 and Angel Codes like 11:11. I also have this post on licence plate miracles). Find your lifepath
711 is about ‘leaps of faith’, so I stopped and dialled him. He picked up immediately as he’d been about to call his Mum (a Master 11 lifepath like me). He mentioned that his father had died not long ago, on his (my ex’s) birthday. I passed on my condolences and we talked about Personal Years in numerology, which start on your birthday (find your Personal Year).
I said he might see numbers as a sign from his Dad. 11 represents new beginnings and spiritual harmony (Oneness). A few minutes later, I saw a sign with ’11Viking’, which I photographed and sent to him (see photo). I knew this was a message from his Dad, as their family are Vikings.
What an afternoon! I had a profound sense of completion after this amazing turn of events, which makes sense, as I am in the last six weeks of a 9 Personal Year (Conclusions and Healing). I’m also pregnant with a son I call Forrest Bump, which has brought up memories for healing. This call came at the perfect time for me to acknowledge how far I’ve come.
I read for countless clients who are releasing emotional baggage in their 9 or 1 Personal Years. No wonder these are the most common times people come in for a numerology session.
I hope this article has helped you to see your breakup from a softer point of view. People come into our life for a reason, season or a lifetime. True love is inner growth. Sometimes we outgrow people, or vice versa. To hold onto someone after that point is cruel, and only promotes fear. Love should be a choice, not a compromise. You can’t control another person, but you can choose inner freedom. Attitude is everything.
“Two men looked through the prison bars,
One saw mud,
The other, stars.” (attributed to Dale Carnegie)
No matter how your relationship ends, healing is always possible. Sometimes the way you leave someone is the most important thing you’ll ever do for them (the same goes for exiting a job). Life is a series of mini-deaths and rebirths. We’re here to teach each other about letting go.
I never see people as ‘gone’, even when they have died or are not talking to me. I just say ‘they’re skating on the other side of the cosmic ice rink’. No one ever forgets you at the Soul level, even if they do so at the human level.
Whether you stay friends with your ex or not, please, be sure to stay friends with yourself!
Love is Always in Your Hands – A Palmistry and Relationships Webinar
Detox Relationships Meditation (I listen to this daily!)
7 Can Opener Relationships That Shocked Me Awake
The Karma of Having an Affair – Faithfulness Starts With You
Attract a Partner you’ll Love! Secrets behind Writing a Wishlist
The Mastery of Love, Don Miguel Ruiz
The Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman – see my post on Words of Affirmation