A frequent question I’m asked in readings is ‘how is my love life going?’ In response to recent sessions where infidelity was an issue, I thought I’d jump in the deep end and write about “how to heal your relationships after one (or both) of you has had an affair?”
I’ve laid this post out as a Q&A for greater clarity. The information below comes from my spiritual guides and personal experience and does not cover every possibility. Still, I hope you find it useful in some way. Please let me know your feedback in the comments section as well.
2018 update – Read Hong Curley’s Powerful Kindness, this blog talks about her amazing approach when she found her husband was having an affair
Q: Why do people cheat?
It’s human nature to learn from experience. We don’t know a stove is hot until we’ve experienced heat. We don’t know what chocolate tastes like until we’ve eaten it. We don’t know unconditional love until it’s given to us and then taken away. In the same way, if someone has come to Earth to learn about commitment, it’s possible that they will ‘spiritually request’ an affair so that they can experience the associated karma.
What is karma? It’s simply energy that you asked for. You ordered a salami pizza, you get a salami pizza. You cheat on your partner, someone in your life will cheat on you at some stage. You stay faithful to your partner, other people will stay faithful to you.If you stuff up, you can always start again – once you have cleaned up your messes. We live in a surprisingly forgiving Universe. I can write this without bitterness or judgement because I have seen both sides of the story and these are lessons you never forget.
Q: Does cheating on my partner make me a bad person?
No, but it’s not helping humanity evolve either. There is a level of love where no person is fully good or bad. Even the bluest sky contains a cloud somewhere. We are all a mixture of energies and our goal as a community is to increase our spiritual intelligence, not cut away our negative traits. What we judge we become so the best thing you could do in this situation is to love yourself whatever you have done.
Someone once told me “we are always either giving love or asking for it”. Be kind to the part of yourself that needed to cheat, but don’t pander to it. See it as a child who wanted their parent’s attention so badly they cut their own leg off. Your cheating is simply a signal that you are not satisfied with life.
You see, when we are ON our life purpose (which is what I cover in readings) we are naturally excited about life and refuse to risk our happiness for short-term distractions. If a child has a real pony they’re not going to trade it in for a ripped poster.
However once we start compromising in life e.g. take a job just for the money, or date someone just for the convenience it won’t be long before we start taking the shortcuts that can lead to infidelity. It’s like stealing from a cookie jar, we get the taste for the cookies and then it’s hard to stop the cravings.
That’s why I encourage people to meditate frequently on the question ‘Am I acting from love or fear?’ This will keep you on your highest purpose. I should mention that, for some people having a variety of partners at the same time is part of their soul contract. If you are one of these people my only suggestion is make sure that the people involved know what is going on. That way everyone has a choice whether to participate in your lesson.
Q: Should I tell my partner I’m having an affair?
It’s up to you. What I have experienced is that karma always comes back 10-fold. You may think you got away with the affair but you will answer for it, either during this life or after you die. Although there is no hell, you can bet your guides and relatives who have passed over will give you a good talking to! I don’t mean to sound all doom and gloom – after all, many people have a physical affair because their partner is having an emotional one (e.g. with their job) and you’re probably already feeling like crap.
Think of this situation like an incurring an emotional credit card debt – yes it will hurt to cut up your card and start paying off the interest, but it’s better than ignoring the issue. You’ll only get into more pain and that’s when people do drastic things like self-harm because they lose all hope.
If you are having an affair, some questions to consider are:
If this was happening to me, would I want to know? Why or why not?
Why did I start this affair? Did I get what I wanted out of it?
Have I added love or fear to the world around me?
How much longer am I willing to live in turmoil?
What am I teaching the person I am having an affair with?
I also recommend that you consider seeking counselling before telling your partner. There are ways of performing brain surgery that don’t involve chainsaws…if you get what I mean.
Q: What should I do if my partner is having an affair?
Firstly, I do believe that we know when our partner is cheating on us. Often it’s our bodies that will tell us first (e.g. we may start gaining or losing weight or even having digestive problems). However it can take time for us to get up the courage to deal with this scary realisation.
Finding out that your partner is cheating is like having to sit all your university exams in a week instead of over four years. It’s incredibly stressful and there is no perfect way to proceed. However some questions you may want to ask yourself are:
Am I acting out of love or fear right now?
If this was happening to my child what would I do to protect him or her?
If I stay in the relationship, what will I teach my children (if you have kids)?
If I stay in the relationship, what will I teach my partner (about treating people)?
What’s the worst possible outcome? The best possible outcome?
Can I see where I have been unfaithful to myself? (e.g. by ignoring the signs or dating someone who said upfront they weren’t looking for a relationship)
If I walk away now, what will my life be like in 1, 5 and 10 years?
Many times we feel the worst case scenario is we will die without our partner. You know what, this could be true. People die of broken hearts – but you don’t have to be one of them.
Until we learn how to ‘die’ to our past we don’t know how to live.My biggest suggestion here is to get counselling, start keeping a diary and find where you ‘went off track in life’. Then do whatever it takes to get back on track!! You are a particle of God and so is your partner – when you can see that you will be able to finally move on.
How do I recover from infidelity?
Again, there’s no single solution. It will take time, comfort, support and healing to get back to a place of self-trust. Life is not about shrinking from pain, but embracing it long enough to get the prize. Pain is just feedback waiting to be translated. In this situation, I can recommend:
-Creative therapy, including sandplay therapy
-Personal development courses and self-reflection work
-Meditation and yoga (especially Kundalini yoga)
-A period of celibacy and/ or decluttering your life of photos of your ex etc.
-Physical exercise to relieve stress and frustration
-A change of location (living in a house where infidelity has occurred is not good for your heart energy – even if you can’t afford to move out, find a way for your soul’s sake. I am speaking from experience here).
What doesn’t work as well is rebound dating, that is, going out with someone just to show your partner you are still attractive. Nevertheless if this is something you choose to do, please just take it slowly…
I said to someone recently “you’re so used to driving 100km an hour (being in a long-term relationship), that you’re a bit addicted to it! Give yourself a chance to slow down (i.e. casually date) even if you feel you need to rush.”
How can I prevent infidelity from happening again?
You can’t. If someone is going to cheat on you they will always find a way. It’s not that I’m paranoid – quite the opposite – I am a massive optimist. I know that if someone is living their passion they will attract many soulmates who want to soar with them on their journey. You just need to get yourself airborne again and things will be ‘fly’.
For example – I met my husband Kris Anderson while giving my second public palmistry talk. He had just gotten a job (2 weeks prior) on a TV show that was filming me on the day. If I hadn’t left my career in fundraising to become a psychic we would have never met.
If he had stayed in his office job we would have never met.It’s only because we both had the courage to go for our dreams that life rewarded us with true love. Talk about blooming coincidences!
So you see, staying faithful to yourself is the number one way to attract a great partner. When you treat yourself (and others) like a Rolls Royce, you will fill your life with Rolls Royce fans. How can your true love recognise you if you’re wearing a disguise?
That’s why it’s important to have daily practices that keep you ‘in tune’ with your life purpose. Keeping a diary or meditating for a few minutes upon waking and before going to sleep can be helpful. Having friends around you who love you is also brilliant. A final suggestion is to do something like a self-marriage ceremony.
Imagine how beautiful it would be if we married ourselves the same way we married our spouses – try this vow for yourself: I (your name), take thee, my body, to be my lawful wedded soulmate, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part…Faithfulness starts with you. Are you being good to yourself right now?
Class – Love is Always in Your Hands – a Palmistry and Relationships Webinar
6 Myths About Soulmates, Busted!
Can You Be Friends with Your Ex? A Psychic’s Perspective
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